"Blessed are those who work for peace."
- Jesus
Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict at all costs, running from a problem, or pretending it doesn't exist. That's cowardice. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never afraid of conflict. He even provoked it sometimes, for the greater good. Sometimes we need to avoid conflict, sometimes we need to create it, and other times we need to resolve it. That is why we must pray for the Holy Spirit's continual guidance.
Peacemaking is also not appeasement. Always giving in like a doormat, and allowing others to run all over you is not what Jesus had in mind. In the face of an evil opposition we must stand our ground.
Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship:
1. Talk to God before talking to the person.
If you pray first about the conflict rather than gossiping to a friend, you will discover that God either changes your heart or He changes the other person without your help. All relationships would go smoother if you just prayed about them.
Cry out your frustrations to God. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. Most conflicts are rooted in unmet needs. Sometimes these are needs that can only be met by God. Don't expect all your needs to be met by a friend, a spouse, or a family member - you are only setting yourself up for bitterness and dissapointment. No one can meet all of your needs but God.
2. Always take the initiative.
Jesus prioritizes restoring fellowship even above group worship.
He said,
"If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge your friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God."
Don't procrastinate, make haste, schedule a face-to-face meeting with the person as soon as possible. Delay only deepens the resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurt to fester.
Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage on yourself. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered.
3. Sympathize with their feelings.
Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must listen to people's feelings. Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.
Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don't agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. Resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways.
Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspectives of others. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me." People dont care what you know until they know you care.
It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. However, we have to remember, Jesus went through unfounded, malicious insults to save us.
4. Confess your part of the conflict.
"First get rid of the log in your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye."
Sometimes you may need a third party to truly see how you may have wronged someone. Also, ask God how much you are at fault. Don't make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you've played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
5. Attack the problem, not the person.
A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one. You can't fix the problem if you are consumed with fixing the blame.
God tells us,
"A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is."
You are never persuasive when you're abrasive.
Paul sums it up in this way: "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you."
6. Cooperate as much as possible.
Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs us our pride; it often costs us our self-centeredness.
To paraphrase Jesus' seventh beatitude, "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."
7. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution.
Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. Reconciliation buries the hatchet, not necessarily the issue. God expects unity, not uniformity. We can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. The same diamond looks different from different angles.
- The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
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